Those Whacky Canadians

In Canada, I've found that there are four things that are all important to the average Canadian.  They are, in order of importance:

1. Beer
2. Ice Hockey
3. Tim Horton's
4. More Beer

Beer is the most important commodity in all of Canada.  Sure, there's other things to do or see or drink, but beer is all important.  A Canadian is so accustomed to his beer that to separate him from his favorite beverage is not something done lightly.  As a matter of fact, the last time a Canadian was separated from his beer, they banded together, headed south and burned down the White House just because they could!  So please, always make sure that your favorite Canadian is well stocked with beer. 

The most popular beer in Canada is Free Beer.  It tastes great, is always less filling and always in demand.  After that, there seems to be only two other brands that they will drink on a more or less regular basis:

1. Labatt's
2. Molson

That's the official stats, but around here, Molson's seems to have the edge.

Next is Ice Brawling Hockey.  Hockey is not a sport here in Canada.  Let me disabuse you of that notion right from jump street.  Hockey might be considered a sport in other places, but in Canada, it's a religion.  Every Canadian ever born knows how to play hockey.  Tim Horton, a former hockey star is their savior and there are many churches all over Canada that bear his name.  Oddly enough, the beverages served at these houses of worship is coffee and tea.  The coffee is weak, but the liquid is too hot to hold.

Anyway, back to Hockey.  I'm sure you've all seen a hockey game so I don't have to tell you what goes on.  Essentially it entails slapping a frozen 1" thick, 3" diameter puck weighing about 6 ounces toward a goalie at about 100 miles per hour.  It's about the same as shooting him with a .22 pistol firing hockey pucks.  The only thing that keeps it from killing him is the fact that it is shaped like a puck and not a small bullet.  In the process of trying to kill the goalie, they try and kill each other through a maneuver called "checking".  That's the term for skating as hard as you can into an opposing player and splaying him out over the ice like a dissected frog - only bloodier. 

The big mystery is why anyone would even want to be a goalie.  Seriously, who in their right mind would volunteer to have 100 mph frozen rubber disks shot directly at them?  It must be the beer.

I've already explained Tim Horton's except for two small things.  First, getting between a Canadian and his Timmy's can be almost as dangerous as getting between a Canadian and his beer.  Second, never remind them that Timmy's is owned by the American company that owns Wendy's.  Bad form.

And last but not least, is more beer.  I think that speaks for itself, eh?

VW

Comments

[Trench Reynolds]

You make Canada sound like a paradise even though their bacon is actually ham.